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I was born and raised in a Christian home. My father was
a pastor. All my growing years were spent in and around the church. I can never
remember a time in my life when I did not know who Jesus is and what He did for
me. It was at a very young age that I accepted Christ as my savior. I was so
blessed to grow up in this environment.
Now with this kind of a beginning you would think that
nothing could go wrong. This kid will probably become a pastor, missionary or
at least a Christian worker of some kind. He has everything working for him.
Yet in spite of the great beginning, my life was a mess
until around the age of thirty. Although I had given my life to Jesus early on,
I never developed our relationship. I never understood God’s grace.
The obvious question is how could this be? You had such
a great start. You were surrounded with every possible advantage. What went
wrong?
My biggest mistake was that I never read the Bible. I
took my Bible to Sunday School and Church, but I never sat down alone with
Jesus and asked the Holy Spirit to speak to me through His Word. I was a second
generation Christian trying to ride on the coat tails of my parent’s
relationship with Jesus.
I spent many years trying to live what I thought was a
good Christian life. I figured that if you didn’t smoke, dance, drink or curse
you were a pretty good Christian. Yet the truth is that I was not walking in
the Spirit. Things were creeping in my life that was contrary to God’s Word. My
early teens pornography began to creep in. By my mid to late teens alcohol
started to come in. My late teens to early twenties drugs showed up. Along with
all this came pride, lying, filthy talk and the list could go on and on. Even
more amazing is the amount of sin I might have done if only I had an
opportunity. I believe the lack of opportunity was the grace of God.
Now with all this sin taking place in my life, things
externally were going pretty good. My high school years were quite successful.
I was the class president for three years and captain of the football team.
Shortly after high school I was married to a beautiful lady, had a cute
daughter and a house. Michelle and I both had decent jobs. I was living the
American dream.
Yet in the midst of all this, the success, which came so
easily in high school, now seemed to elude me. Every path I now pursued was
turning into a dead end. As each new dream hit a dead end, I was becoming aware
of a growing emptiness with in me.
As time went on, alcohol and marijuana began to take a
stronger grip on my life. Around the age of 26 I determined that the weed had
to go since my daughter was getting older. I didn’t want her exposed to that.
But with a decrease in pot came a stronger dependence on alcohol. It was not
unusual for me to drink to the point of blacking out. Around the age of 28 I
found myself drinking nearly every night before I went to bed. It was necessary
in order for me to sleep.
I had come to a point in my life were I concluded that
my battle with inner emptiness was a losing battle. Anything I accomplished in
life was useless because in the end I would die. I saw no purpose in living and
yet I feared death. Sleep became a rehearsal for death. There were nights when
I would lay in bed with tears streaming down my face. How could I face God
after all that I had done? Drinking before I went to bed allowed me to escape
my prison of fear, or so it seemed.
During this time, Michelle and I were seeking spiritual
fulfillment. I had never expressed to Michelle the depth of my own personal
struggle. I was just too proud and embarrassed. We tried several churches, none
of which had what we were looking for. Actually, we were not sure what we were
looking for, but we knew they didn’t have what we were looking for.
Now at this point you might say, how could I not know
were to turn. I grew up in the church, my dad is a pastor, I always had a
knowledge who Jesus is and what He had done for me; and this is true. But I
grew up on small town denomination churches. All I ever heard was what a
pastor’s kid is not supposed to do. I thought my relationship with God depended
on what I didn’t do. And since I wasn’t reading my Bible, how would I know the
difference. I did not understand the grace of God.
In the fall of 1991 Michelle and I were invited to a
baby dedication at Calvary Chapel of Philadelphia. I had heard a little bit
about the church but basically brushed it off. I left the house that morning
with a bad attitude. I was only going because it was the right thing to do. I
had no expectations. It wasn’t until we pulled into the parking lot that I
realized the church was in a mall. I could not believe that I was going to a
church in a mall.
As we entered the church I had a real sense of love. I
saw people who truly loved each other. The music was beautiful. It was pure and
sincere. Then the pastor came to give the message. At first I began to think,
this guy is a pastor? He looked so comfortable and relaxed. He wasn’t even
dressed like a pastor. No suit or tie, how could this be?
Then he began to teach. He told everyone to turn to Mark
10. People began to open their Bibles with such excitement. It was the first
time I entered a church without a Bible and was embarrassed.
As Joe was teaching, I was overwhelmed by the grace of
God. Jesus suddenly became real to me. I felt His presence in an awesome way.
Instead of God telling me I blew it one time too many, He just embraced me and
said welcome home. From that moment on my life has been radically changed.
It is so amazing. I had turned my back on God. I was a
no good rotten sinner on my way to destruction. But God being completely
gracious and loving delivered me from the path that I was on. Psalms 40:2 He
brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet
upon a rock, and established my goings.
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